No Fun

I'm a traveler on the yogic lifestyle journey.  It feels at times like I'm at this buffet with so many choices.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  There are so many different types of yoga!  It's like shopping for that perfect pair of jeans.  You have to try them all on before you find one or two brands that work for your body and lifestyle.

For the past 4-5 years, I've been drawn to Vinyasa yoga.  It makes sense because I'm an athlete.  I also have a dance background (well, as a kid, not as of late!).  I like the flow of Vinyasa.  But, lately, it is really tough on my physical body.  I work out most days about an hour on the bicycle.  During Vinyasa, my legs really hurt lately.  I never noticed this before.  Maybe I've just been so tired and stressed that my body is not happy?  I don't know.  It's just not fun at all any more!

I was relieved in a Slow Flow class yesterday at my local studio when the teacher had us do some restorative postures.  My mind saw the bolsters and thought, "Oh, good, some rest time!"  My body has been craving rest and relaxation.  I felt like curling up in a ball yesterday.  Thank goodness the teacher felt that way too.

I know that the yoga I need always shows up for me.  It's uncanny.  Even when I feel challenged in some way, I notice it is still perfect because I learn something new about myself and my body, mind, and spirit.

Yesterday, I was contemplating my experience at the local yoga studio.  Each time I walk in, I feel like I'm about to go to church (not a fun feeling for me!).  I don't mind being a little serious or focused.  I actually like the sacred energy of yoga studios.  But, my inner child wants to have fun.  I want the teacher to have a slight sense of humor.  I want to laugh at myself as I try new or difficult postures and fall on my butt.  I want someone to audibly fart in class, so that I can laugh in response.  I love sacred humor. 

Previously, I didn't know why I felt so "off" as I went to do yoga at this particular studio.  I've been trying different teachers and styles of yoga there and elsewhere for a while.  I have maybe 7-8 more sessions there in my package I recently purchased.  After it expires, I want to be adventurous and try other local studios and continue sampling yoga styles.

For a while with my sampling of yoga, I thought I would eventually come to a place of finding that one style or form of yoga that resonated with me.  So far, this has not been true.  I thought I'd find the "perfect" style for me.  I have a new goal with all of this--to find my own personal yoga style.  I would like to combine things I'm learning to create my own practice that works for me.  I'd like to find my own personal practice because then, I can modify things each day because my body, mind, and spirit are in different places each day.  I know this might sound not so profound.  I know that is what all of the branded, modern yoga styles' teachers did.  They took what worked for them and made it a formal practice or study, naming it, etc. and then, going on to teach it to others.

I realized yesterday that I'm not having fun doing yoga at the local studio.  It's time for a change.  I know that some might argue that yoga and fun are not possible. I beg to differ.  An activity or pursuit for me should be enjoyable at least. 

I guess I haven't found my yoga home yet.  I often wonder if any teachers play the Ramones?  I wonder if there are other yoginis who don't always have a perfect pedicure?  I wondered yesterday if I am the only yogini who drives to yoga class listening and singing to Johnny Cash?  I feel like a misfit at times.  Maybe I need to live somewhere cooler? :)

Just some of my random thoughts as of late...

Namaste,
Lisa

Not so sure about opening my heart...

Gosh, I'm not so sure about this opening your heart up stuff.  I did this Tibetan Heart Yoga class on Wednesday this week.  I could really feel the shifts in my subtle energies and my chakras.  Wow, there was so much opening and releasing.  It was incredibly intense for me.

Even the days prior to attending, I had all of my life issues stirred up.  I had to deal with a ton of things about relationships and worries.  It was not fun.  I joked that if I did drugs, I would be doing them even more.  I mean, coffee counts as a drug, right?  

I felt great after the class.  However, when I got home, I had tons of emotions come pouring out of me. I felt that someone had given me some energetic eyebrow wax.  Ouch!  Crap, this is what opening your heart feels like!  I had forgotten.

I think I've cried oceans this week.  I have been releasing and releasing.  The teacher said that we would be tearing down our Universe and then, rebuilding it.  At the time, it sounded good.  Heck, what was I thinking?  I must be crazy!

I keep getting called to heal the old hurts.  It is intense.  Just when you think that you're in a good place with your healing of the past, it's incredible how much still is in there needing to be healed.  I know it's a process.  I just am impatient.  I want to heal once and for all.  I'm tired of the suffering.  I know that pain can be a given in life, but suffering is optional, as the masters say.  Well, okay, I'm done with both the pain and suffering!

I just keep treating myself with tender loving care.  I keep on keeping on, affirming and believing that healing is possible.  The intensity just gets to be so much.  I know that I picked all of this on soul level for my highest and best healing.  But, still, can't it be a bit easier?

I still feel called to follow the yogic path.  I still feel called into service to teach.  I thought I would do my yoga teacher training locally, but yet, the one yoga ashram in Hawaii really calls to me. I went there about a year ago for a class.  It still calls to me for some reason.

For a while now, I've been casually studying Tibetan Buddhism.  I don't know though.  It makes my head hurt at times.  I like this one guy's teachings because they are modern and I can understand them.  I thought for a while about combining the Buddhist path with my yoga path.  I don't know though.  I really am the type of yogini who love, loves, loves the Hindu energies, deities, mantras, music, and culture that go with yoga.  I know this will sound bad or possibly shallow, but I'd rather just dabble in the Tibetan Buddhism.  I'm way too punk rock to follow just one path or tradition.  If I had to pick a religion or path and only one, I might pick the Tibetan Buddhism, but I can't just pick one.  It's not how my soul is built.

I decided to take some time for self-care this week.  I took walks in nature, naps, meditated, and even drank a fancy coffee drink.  Tender loving care was in order.  I don't know what is going on with the planets, but heck, I feel sort of triple whammied right now by the Universe.  I feel like I'm slowly being put through the Cosmic Meatgrinder of sorts.  I have been processing my own stuff, along with fears about my marriage working out.  I also have been worried about a family member's health.  I sometimes just want to curl up and cry and cry.

It has been helpful to me to just be of service to others.  I've been sending Reiki and prayers to those who need it and also, to the planet.  I have been working on being present for my hubby during his stress.  I can only do the best that I can in any given moment.

I know that many say, "This too shall pass."  Well, I want it to pass yesterday!  I thought I was through the very hard lessons.  I am not looking to be a slouch or find the easy way out of all of this.  I just want some cooperation from the Universe.  I'm working on cooperating with it, so I feel like it needs to meet me halfway.  I know this sounds like it comes from ego, but it's how I feel right now.

I think that I'm feeling the dying of my old self.  Hubby and I have to find new ways of being together and communicating 'cause the old ones are not working.  We are going to attend a couples' workshop next month.  I am holding out for a miracle.  I also find that I can't procrastinate any longer on my dreams.  My manuscript is calling me back to work on it.  I'm writing a very personal book.  I also find that my music calls to me.  I've not picked up my guitar for a couple of weeks.  I just have been so down at times.  I feel sensitive and raw.  I feel like someone is trying to rip my heart out of my chest.


At least though, I have a good pedicure.

Off to start the weekend.  My 13th anniversary is Monday.  I'm definitely married to my best friend and guru.  He's taught me so many lessons that I needed to learn as a soul.

Blessings!

Namaste,
Lisa

Meditation Class

I'm having an interesting day today.  I made myself get up at 6:00 a.m., about an hour earlier than usual.  I prepared for a meditation class that I attended at 9:00 a.m.  Yikes!  That really made my ego pause.  I really resonate with the Tibetan Lamas who are in my town right now.  I took a class with one of them this a.m.  I have another class (more of a lecture) with the other one tonight (hubby is attending with me). 

Gosh, I haven't meditated for a longer period of time than 10-15 minutes in a very long time.  My feet fell asleep.  I focused pretty well, but gosh, my feet were really sore, even though I did bring socks to keep them warm.  At least it was a gentle wake-up call about how much I really need my meditation practice.  I have fallen off the boat and need to get back in the boat--that is for sure!

I had immediate opportunities to practice what I learned after the class this a.m. because I needed to get a few items at the grocery store.  I had all the typical things happen to me there.  I had the slow cart pusher in my path.  I had the "rude" person cut me off.  I had the cashier charge me for 5 energy bars and not 4.  I just took it all in stride.  Well, mostly in stride.  I found myself noticing an older gentleman looking in my shopping cart at the chocolate I had purchased.  I perceived his look to be judgmental or smirking, almost like he was saying telepathically, "Oh, it must be her time of month, she bought chocolate."  Ugh...

I'm not very advanced in my practice obviously. 

I tried something interesting though at the grocery store which I always used to do for most of the time when I'm in public doing errands.  I did the smile experiment thing.  I just smiled at as many people as I could.  (Well, not the judgmental dude).  It was sort of fun.  I think the old me is back--almost!  Yay!

When I arrived home, I was perturbed at my computer.  Yes, you read that correctly.  It made me very angry because I had to get on-line.  My computer was acting up and all slow.  I chose to take a four mile walk instead of stressing about it so much.  I did a security scan while I was away.  It was all okay. It turned out okay.

I have noticed that prior to taking classes with spiritual teachers, I've had a lot of processing or emotional upheavals in the past.  I noticed that this time around, I was a bit restless, especially over the weekend.  I couldn't rest or relax.  It was hard to just sit and read a book.  I felt like I should be do-ing something.  Ugh, that again!?

I am working on taking things slowly in life.  I'm working on being more gentle with myself.  I'm actually pretty tired of procrastinating right now in my life.  I'm sick of myself, to say the least.  I've been taking massive action, but still, I feel a bit behind schedule.  I really need less time on the computer.  I need time to have a real life, you know?

Just some thoughts of mine today...

Namaste,
Lisa

Working on Going With the Flow

I haven't written lately, I know.  I've been working very hard on my own business.  I have been busy, busy, busy.  I have though taken some time just for me to do some yoga, workout, and rest.  I'm sad though that summer is ending.  I've not really had a lot of opportunity to spend time outdoors.

I've been through some rough spots this past 3-4 weeks.  But, I'm doing my best to be loving and compassionate.  That is all you can do, right?  I have been taking one day at a time.

It's funny because I'm still really drawn to taking my yoga teacher training.  I keep getting drawn to that path.  I mean, I'll always do my business, but I'd like to study more in-depth.  I also have a humble desire to be of service in teaching others the yogic ways.

My biggest lesson lately has been about letting go.  This lesson seems to recycle for me every so often.  I also have had to learn to detach when others get angry with me.  I know that anger is not a negative emotion.  I just prefer to not have to deal with it when it comes from other people. I guess though that is the whole point of spiritual practice.  You learn tools for navigating through life, all of its challenges, and emotions, feelings, and lessons.  But, wow, what doozies lately!

I guess I could blame the planets. I could blame others.  I could blame myself.  I just don't find that it helps much.

I notice that my heart is processing a lot lately.  I feel this way whenever I'm about to have big breakthroughs in my life.  Some great big healing is on its way.  I can feel it.  I'm ready to breathe through it.  I'm ready to embrace all of my emotions and feelings that come up along the way.  I'm ready!

Namaste,
Lisa 

Discipline is a good thing...

I've finally been consistent (somewhat) with my yoga practice.  The past few weeks, I've been doing asana about 3 times per week.  I figure that is a good start.  I feel I'm moving closer to daily practice.  I know that I can do it, especially given this past winter's discipline.  Starting in January 2010, I woke up each day at 7:00 a.m. to get on the indoor bicycle trainer to workout.  I was tired, fatigued, exhausted, and had some situational depression to deal with as well.  It was not easy, but I saw it as a way to challenge my ego.  I usually do some sort of fitness activity daily, but due to my work schedule then, first thing in the a.m. was the only time I could fit my riding in.  As the months progressed, I became more fit and happy.  I actually looked forward to riding.  I know I can duplicate this mindset for my asana practice.  A little bit of discipline is good on the spiritual path.  Discipline gets the ego out of the way. 

The past month and a half, I've felt a bit challenged though when it comes to getting up early.  I am still recovering from months of stress.  I mean, honestly, sleeping in is 8:00 a.m. for me.  I need to quit feeling guilty about this.  Also, my hubby broke his finger a while back, so we've had to sleep separately so I don't roll on him and hurt the finger further.  So, he's been in the living room sleeping on the futon.  I don't want to wake him up at 7:00 a.m. doing yoga.  My yoga space is in the living room.  But, soon, I'll be able to reclaim the first thing in the a.m. morning yoga practice in the living room.  Watch out, ego, I'm going to rock your world again!

I still have had to ride the indoor trainer too.  It sucks 'cause hubby can't ride for a while as he heals the injury.  Oh well...It's been in the 90F's lately any way.  It is piping hot outside and well, very humid.  That is the worst thing on a road bike, feeling that hot, still air stuck around you as you try to cut through on your bike.  I'm little so I don't cut through like a knife when it comes to the air.

I have to vent and share something from this week.  I've been working on expanding my comfort zone.  Part of this has included me seeking out new friends on Facebook.  I don't do anything over the top by adding thousands of friends.  I just pick a few here and there who resonate with me energetically.  I friended someone on there who is into kirtan music.  She commented back that rocker chick and kirtan don't seem to go together very well, but what the heck.  It wasn't disparingly said or anything, but my ego was pissed off a bit.  I mean, seriously, is there some deity that I'll offend because I like to listen to punk rock?  I don't think so!  I feel at times that modern spiritual people have invented this God who only wants you to eat granola, listen to new age and classical music, along with weary flowy skirts and clothing.  That seems so limiting.  It's very similar to fundamentalist thinking, in my humble opinion.  I know this all is about my own ego needing to let go of other's ego personalities annoying me.  I will take it the mat and the meditation cushion and see what I learn.

I'm off to do some prep work for a self-made writer's retreat that I'm going to do this weekend.  It will be nice to focus on my other writing for a while.  I'm carving this time out to write, along with taking breaks for creativity.  My spirit so needs this time.

Until then, rock the house! Don't allow others' limiting beliefs become your own!

Namaste,
Lisa

Practicing and ranting...

I feel so good doing yoga more regularly.  I need to remember this!  I have been doing asana about 3 times per week so far.  I'm gradually shifting my schedule around again.  This past month, I slept in a bit more.  I prefer to get up and do my yoga first thing.

It's so interesting to observe the subtle shifts in my body, mind, and spirit.  I notice that I'm much more focused when I have been practicing yoga.  I even returned to charting out my days so that I can maximize them.  I was so tired of juggling it all. I would get easily distracted by emails, phone calls, and other minor things of daily life.  It is liberating to have alleviations of these distractions.  I'm still a work in progress with it all.

As a result of an article a friend shared on her Facebook page about how damaging loud music is during yoga, I've been contemplating the role of music in yoga practice.  I guess for me, it depends on what my needs are for that particular day and that particular practice.  I don't care for a lot of New Age music to be honest.  I also see nothing wrong with a bit of modern music, even rock music in yoga practice.  Oh wait, I mentioned it was about the volume of music.  I do agree that loud music can be a distraction when doing yoga.  I like to tune into myself and if in a public class, it's nice to be able to hear the instructor over the music.  So, I get what they are saying.  I've studied the nervous system during my time in massage school.  Also, I've read things on music and the brain (I'm a musician).  I think it's such an individual thing.  Everyone is literally wired differently when it comes to taste and what works for them.  It's all good.

I guess I'm just tired of absolutists.  I'm tired of people who say that there is only one right way.  I also am annoyed at people who always say:  "My teacher says..."  It's great to have teachers.  I enjoy my teachers, but wait, I have more than one.  I don't just defer to what one person says.  I also prefer teachers that encourage you to think for yourself.  After all, they are just saying what works for them or has been true for them, from their own experience. There is no gospel truth in yoga or anything else in life.  I feel at times there are some fundamentalists in yoga.  No thanks.  Please take your assertion of your truth and share it, but don't shove it down my throat.  Please don't patronize me either.

Okay, enough ranting.  I need to practice some loving kindness towards myself and others.  Time for some tonglen in my spiritual practice.

Namaste,
Lisa

Returning to myself and the mat...

Gosh, it's been forever since I wrote here.  I finally find myself coming out of the dark night of the soul.  When I probably really needed to get on the mat during the past year and a half or so, I didn't.  I found solace in daily chanting.  Kirtan music uplifted me, especially Jai Uttal's.  My meditation practice sustained me through some rough times.  Physical postures as a daily practice were just not happening for some reason.  I focused more on my spiritual yoga practice.  I mean, it's all really spiritual though when you think about it, right?

Lately, my physical body has been speaking to me. It has wanted to stretch and to do some work with asana again.  I have to schedule it in my planner. This is how things get done in my life. I have to schedule them or they don't get done.  It's a practical thing.

Wow, as I'm typing, I'm realizing how much my life has changed in the past couple of months.  I am no longer scrambling to earn a living.  With my hubby's return to engineering, I find myself being able to focus again on my business.  I also do not have my job any more.  It feels like such a blessing to be able to return to myself and what I'm passionate about in life.  I also find that I'm able to return to the yoga mat more easily.  When you're focused on survival, it is hard to give yourself the luxury of time on the mat or for other self-care.  It's true that is when you really need it. But, I learned to not chide myself or feel guilty for letting my asana practice slide a bit.

I know that some teachers say it's better to do 15-20 minutes per day of asana than to do 2-3 one-hour sessions per week.  I guess it varies with me.  I've been finding that I don't always need a yoga DVD or studio class in order to do yoga.  I like to just make it up as I go.  It's fun and creative that way. I love to do this before I play guitar.  It helps my notes to flow better when I practice my music.  The other night, I even had a dream about using a yoga book to do my asana practice, much like a cook uses a cookbook to make a special meal. This made me smile. I knew exactly which book I was meant to utilize.  It is Cindy Lee's Om Yoga book. I love that little book with the stick figures. It was the first yoga book I ever purchased.  I guess it's about returning to the basics.  I'm all about simple, basic, and have this down-to-earth-ness about me.  It is who I am.

I love how more of my inner guidance comes through as I take action steps to improve my life. If only I could take this special time for myself more. It's good to be still and quiet.  These quiet moments are where your heart speaks to you. Your inner guidance and knowing and truth comes forth.  It helps you to do what you know you need to do--even if just because it calls to you for no good reason.  It is still your truth and it calls for you to honor it.

Returning to myself feels so divine!  I'm feeling in recovery a bit from all of the self-imposed stress of the past year and a half.  I've had to pace myself as of late.  During this past month of not working at my job, I've stopped to feel the tiredness in my physical body, the mental fatigue, the emotional and spiritual drains, and realized that all I really wanted during my dark night of the soul was a good rest.  I took a few naps this month. I listened to meditation CD's. I read a book for longer than 10 minutes.  I sat outside to watch the animals and birds and the clouds.  All of this felt like living in the lap of luxury.  I once needed to spend so much money on externals to get such temporary happiness.  I experimented recently with shopping for fun.  I walked around in circles, not being compelled to spend money on things that I don't need.  It has been surely liberating to live more simply. That was one of the blessings to emerge from the past year and a half during my voluntary scaled back life.

My asana practice has been gentle and flowing.  I notice my movements feel as though I'm making them in a pool of water. I love the fluidity of my body. I feel grateful for my physical body for carrying me through the rough moments of the past year and a half. I feel grateful to myself for taking good care of myself by eating well, exercising daily (indoor cycling, etc.), along with cutting down on caffeine.  It is divine to have a physical body, don't you think?

A gal pal sent me two dance videos for exercise as a gift recently.  Also, I'm taking a dance class soon. These things have come gently into my life and I know it is for some reason that will make sense later.  The Universe wants me to dance, to dream, and to love...how wonderful...

Namaste,
Lisa