rebelyogini

No Fun

2010-09-09T10:42:00.000-04:00

I'm a traveler on the yogic lifestyle journey. It feels at times like I'm at this buffet with so many choices. It can be so overwhelming at times. There are so many different types of yoga! It's like shopping for that perfect pair of jeans. You have to try them all on before you find one or two brands that work for your body and lifestyle.

For the past 4-5 years, I've been drawn to Vinyasa yoga. It makes sense because I'm an athlete. I also have a dance background (well, as a kid, not as of late!). I like the flow of Vinyasa. But, lately, it is really tough on my physical body. I work out most days about an hour on the bicycle. During Vinyasa, my legs really hurt lately. I never noticed this before. Maybe I've just been so tired and stressed that my body is not happy? I don't know. It's just not fun at all any more!

I was relieved in a Slow Flow class yesterday at my local studio when the teacher had us do some restorative postures. My mind saw the bolsters and thought, "Oh, good, some rest time!" My body has been craving rest and relaxation. I felt like curling up in a ball yesterday. Thank goodness the teacher felt that way too.

I know that the yoga I need always shows up for me. It's uncanny. Even when I feel challenged in some way, I notice it is still perfect because I learn something new about myself and my body, mind, and spirit.

Yesterday, I was contemplating my experience at the local yoga studio. Each time I walk in, I feel like I'm about to go to church (not a fun feeling for me!). I don't mind being a little serious or focused. I actually like the sacred energy of yoga studios. But, my inner child wants to have fun. I want the teacher to have a slight sense of humor. I want to laugh at myself as I try new or difficult postures and fall on my butt. I want someone to audibly fart in class, so that I can laugh in response. I love sacred humor.

Previously, I didn't know why I felt so "off" as I went to do yoga at this particular studio. I've been trying different teachers and styles of yoga there and elsewhere for a while. I have maybe 7-8 more sessions there in my package I recently purchased. After it expires, I want to be adventurous and try other local studios and continue sampling yoga styles.

For a while with my sampling of yoga, I thought I would eventually come to a place of finding that one style or form of yoga that resonated with me. So far, this has not been true. I thought I'd find the "perfect" style for me. I have a new goal with all of this--to find my own personal yoga style. I would like to combine things I'm learning to create my own practice that works for me. I'd like to find my own personal practice because then, I can modify things each day because my body, mind, and spirit are in different places each day. I know this might sound not so profound. I know that is what all of the branded, modern yoga styles' teachers did. They took what worked for them and made it a formal practice or study, naming it, etc. and then, going on to teach it to others.

I realized yesterday that I'm not having fun doing yoga at the local studio. It's time for a change. I know that some might argue that yoga and fun are not possible. I beg to differ. An activity or pursuit for me should be enjoyable at least.

I guess I haven't found my yoga home yet. I often wonder if any teachers play the Ramones? I wonder if there are other yoginis who don't always have a perfect pedicure? I wondered yesterday if I am the only yogini who drives to yoga class listening and singing to Johnny Cash? I feel like a misfit at times. Maybe I need to live somewhere cooler? :)

Just some of my random thoughts as of late...

Namaste,
Lisa

Not so sure about opening my heart...

2010-08-20T17:15:00.003-04:00

Gosh, I'm not so sure about this opening your heart up stuff. I did this Tibetan Heart Yoga class on Wednesday this week. I could really feel the shifts in my subtle energies and my chakras. Wow, there was so much opening and releasing. It was incredibly intense for me.

Even the days prior to attending, I had all of my life issues stirred up. I had to deal with a ton of things about relationships and worries. It was not fun. I joked that if I did drugs, I would be doing them even more. I mean, coffee counts as a drug, right?

I felt great after the class. However, when I got home, I had tons of emotions come pouring out of me. I felt that someone had given me some energetic eyebrow wax. Ouch! Crap, this is what opening your heart feels like! I had forgotten.

I think I've cried oceans this week. I have been releasing and releasing. The teacher said that we would be tearing down our Universe and then, rebuilding it. At the time, it sounded good. Heck, what was I thinking? I must be crazy!

I keep getting called to heal the old hurts. It is intense. Just when you think that you're in a good place with your healing of the past, it's incredible how much still is in there needing to be healed. I know it's a process. I just am impatient. I want to heal once and for all. I'm tired of the suffering. I know that pain can be a given in life, but suffering is optional, as the masters say. Well, okay, I'm done with both the pain and suffering!

I just keep treating myself with tender loving care. I keep on keeping on, affirming and believing that healing is possible. The intensity just gets to be so much. I know that I picked all of this on soul level for my highest and best healing. But, still, can't it be a bit easier?

I still feel called to follow the yogic path. I still feel called into service to teach. I thought I would do my yoga teacher training locally, but yet, the one yoga ashram in Hawaii really calls to me. I went there about a year ago for a class. It still calls to me for some reason.

For a while now, I've been casually studying Tibetan Buddhism. I don't know though. It makes my head hurt at times. I like this one guy's teachings because they are modern and I can understand them. I thought for a while about combining the Buddhist path with my yoga path. I don't know though. I really am the type of yogini who love, loves, loves the Hindu energies, deities, mantras, music, and culture that go with yoga. I know this will sound bad or possibly shallow, but I'd rather just dabble in the Tibetan Buddhism. I'm way too punk rock to follow just one path or tradition. If I had to pick a religion or path and only one, I might pick the Tibetan Buddhism, but I can't just pick one. It's not how my soul is built.

I decided to take some time for self-care this week. I took walks in nature, naps, meditated, and even drank a fancy coffee drink. Tender loving care was in order. I don't know what is going on with the planets, but heck, I feel sort of triple whammied right now by the Universe. I feel like I'm slowly being put through the Cosmic Meatgrinder of sorts. I have been processing my own stuff, along with fears about my marriage working out. I also have been worried about a family member's health. I sometimes just want to curl up and cry and cry.

It has been helpful to me to just be of service to others. I've been sending Reiki and prayers to those who need it and also, to the planet. I have been working on being present for my hubby during his stress. I can only do the best that I can in any given moment.

I know that many say, "This too shall pass." Well, I want it to pass yesterday! I thought I was through the very hard lessons. I am not looking to be a slouch or find the easy way out of all of this. I just want some cooperation from the Universe. I'm working on cooperating with it, so I feel like it needs to meet me halfway. I know this sounds like it comes from ego, but it's how I feel right now.

I think that I'm feeling the dying of my old self. Hubby and I have to find new ways of being together and communicating 'cause the old ones are not working. We are going to attend a couples' workshop next month. I am holding out for a miracle. I also find that I can't procrastinate any longer on my dreams. My manuscript is calling me back to work on it. I'm writing a very personal book. I also find that my music calls to me. I've not picked up my guitar for a couple of weeks. I just have been so down at times. I feel sensitive and raw. I feel like someone is trying to rip my heart out of my chest.

At least though, I have a good pedicure.

Off to start the weekend. My 13th anniversary is Monday. I'm definitely married to my best friend and guru. He's taught me so many lessons that I needed to learn as a soul.

Blessings!

Namaste,
Lisa

Meditation Class

2010-08-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

I'm having an interesting day today. I made myself get up at 6:00 a.m., about an hour earlier than usual. I prepared for a meditation class that I attended at 9:00 a.m. Yikes! That really made my ego pause. I really resonate with the Tibetan Lamas who are in my town right now. I took a class with one of them this a.m. I have another class (more of a lecture) with the other one tonight (hubby is attending with me).

Gosh, I haven't meditated for a longer period of time than 10-15 minutes in a very long time. My feet fell asleep. I focused pretty well, but gosh, my feet were really sore, even though I did bring socks to keep them warm. At least it was a gentle wake-up call about how much I really need my meditation practice. I have fallen off the boat and need to get back in the boat--that is for sure!

I had immediate opportunities to practice what I learned after the class this a.m. because I needed to get a few items at the grocery store. I had all the typical things happen to me there. I had the slow cart pusher in my path. I had the "rude" person cut me off. I had the cashier charge me for 5 energy bars and not 4. I just took it all in stride. Well, mostly in stride. I found myself noticing an older gentleman looking in my shopping cart at the chocolate I had purchased. I perceived his look to be judgmental or smirking, almost like he was saying telepathically, "Oh, it must be her time of month, she bought chocolate." Ugh...

I'm not very advanced in my practice obviously.

I tried something interesting though at the grocery store which I always used to do for most of the time when I'm in public doing errands. I did the smile experiment thing. I just smiled at as many people as I could. (Well, not the judgmental dude). It was sort of fun. I think the old me is back--almost! Yay!

When I arrived home, I was perturbed at my computer. Yes, you read that correctly. It made me very angry because I had to get on-line. My computer was acting up and all slow. I chose to take a four mile walk instead of stressing about it so much. I did a security scan while I was away. It was all okay. It turned out okay.

I have noticed that prior to taking classes with spiritual teachers, I've had a lot of processing or emotional upheavals in the past. I noticed that this time around, I was a bit restless, especially over the weekend. I couldn't rest or relax. It was hard to just sit and read a book. I felt like I should be do-ing something. Ugh, that again!?

I am working on taking things slowly in life. I'm working on being more gentle with myself. I'm actually pretty tired of procrastinating right now in my life. I'm sick of myself, to say the least. I've been taking massive action, but still, I feel a bit behind schedule. I really need less time on the computer. I need time to have a real life, you know?

Just some thoughts of mine today...

Namaste,
Lisa

Working on Going With the Flow

2010-08-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't written lately, I know. I've been working very hard on my own business. I have been busy, busy, busy. I have though taken some time just for me to do some yoga, workout, and rest. I'm sad though that summer is ending. I've not really had a lot of opportunity to spend time outdoors.

I've been through some rough spots this past 3-4 weeks. But, I'm doing my best to be loving and compassionate. That is all you can do, right? I have been taking one day at a time.

It's funny because I'm still really drawn to taking my yoga teacher training. I keep getting drawn to that path. I mean, I'll always do my business, but I'd like to study more in-depth. I also have a humble desire to be of service in teaching others the yogic ways.

My biggest lesson lately has been about letting go. This lesson seems to recycle for me every so often. I also have had to learn to detach when others get angry with me. I know that anger is not a negative emotion. I just prefer to not have to deal with it when it comes from other people. I guess though that is the whole point of spiritual practice. You learn tools for navigating through life, all of its challenges, and emotions, feelings, and lessons. But, wow, what doozies lately!

I guess I could blame the planets. I could blame others. I could blame myself. I just don't find that it helps much.

I notice that my heart is processing a lot lately. I feel this way whenever I'm about to have big breakthroughs in my life. Some great big healing is on its way. I can feel it. I'm ready to breathe through it. I'm ready to embrace all of my emotions and feelings that come up along the way. I'm ready!

Namaste,
Lisa

Discipline is a good thing...

2010-07-16T10:32:00.000-04:00

I've finally been consistent (somewhat) with my yoga practice. The past few weeks, I've been doing asana about 3 times per week. I figure that is a good start. I feel I'm moving closer to daily practice. I know that I can do it, especially given this past winter's discipline. Starting in January 2010, I woke up each day at 7:00 a.m. to get on the indoor bicycle trainer to workout. I was tired, fatigued, exhausted, and had some situational depression to deal with as well. It was not easy, but I saw it as a way to challenge my ego. I usually do some sort of fitness activity daily, but due to my work schedule then, first thing in the a.m. was the only time I could fit my riding in. As the months progressed, I became more fit and happy. I actually looked forward to riding. I know I can duplicate this mindset for my asana practice. A little bit of discipline is good on the spiritual path. Discipline gets the ego out of the way.

The past month and a half, I've felt a bit challenged though when it comes to getting up early. I am still recovering from months of stress. I mean, honestly, sleeping in is 8:00 a.m. for me. I need to quit feeling guilty about this. Also, my hubby broke his finger a while back, so we've had to sleep separately so I don't roll on him and hurt the finger further. So, he's been in the living room sleeping on the futon. I don't want to wake him up at 7:00 a.m. doing yoga. My yoga space is in the living room. But, soon, I'll be able to reclaim the first thing in the a.m. morning yoga practice in the living room. Watch out, ego, I'm going to rock your world again!

I still have had to ride the indoor trainer too. It sucks 'cause hubby can't ride for a while as he heals the injury. Oh well...It's been in the 90F's lately any way. It is piping hot outside and well, very humid. That is the worst thing on a road bike, feeling that hot, still air stuck around you as you try to cut through on your bike. I'm little so I don't cut through like a knife when it comes to the air.

I have to vent and share something from this week. I've been working on expanding my comfort zone. Part of this has included me seeking out new friends on Facebook. I don't do anything over the top by adding thousands of friends. I just pick a few here and there who resonate with me energetically. I friended someone on there who is into kirtan music. She commented back that rocker chick and kirtan don't seem to go together very well, but what the heck. It wasn't disparingly said or anything, but my ego was pissed off a bit. I mean, seriously, is there some deity that I'll offend because I like to listen to punk rock? I don't think so! I feel at times that modern spiritual people have invented this God who only wants you to eat granola, listen to new age and classical music, along with weary flowy skirts and clothing. That seems so limiting. It's very similar to fundamentalist thinking, in my humble opinion. I know this all is about my own ego needing to let go of other's ego personalities annoying me. I will take it the mat and the meditation cushion and see what I learn.

I'm off to do some prep work for a self-made writer's retreat that I'm going to do this weekend. It will be nice to focus on my other writing for a while. I'm carving this time out to write, along with taking breaks for creativity. My spirit so needs this time.

Until then, rock the house! Don't allow others' limiting beliefs become your own!

Namaste,
Lisa

Practicing and ranting...

2010-07-09T14:59:00.001-04:00

I feel so good doing yoga more regularly. I need to remember this! I have been doing asana about 3 times per week so far. I'm gradually shifting my schedule around again. This past month, I slept in a bit more. I prefer to get up and do my yoga first thing.

It's so interesting to observe the subtle shifts in my body, mind, and spirit. I notice that I'm much more focused when I have been practicing yoga. I even returned to charting out my days so that I can maximize them. I was so tired of juggling it all. I would get easily distracted by emails, phone calls, and other minor things of daily life. It is liberating to have alleviations of these distractions. I'm still a work in progress with it all.

As a result of an article a friend shared on her Facebook page about how damaging loud music is during yoga, I've been contemplating the role of music in yoga practice. I guess for me, it depends on what my needs are for that particular day and that particular practice. I don't care for a lot of New Age music to be honest. I also see nothing wrong with a bit of modern music, even rock music in yoga practice. Oh wait, I mentioned it was about the volume of music. I do agree that loud music can be a distraction when doing yoga. I like to tune into myself and if in a public class, it's nice to be able to hear the instructor over the music. So, I get what they are saying. I've studied the nervous system during my time in massage school. Also, I've read things on music and the brain (I'm a musician). I think it's such an individual thing. Everyone is literally wired differently when it comes to taste and what works for them. It's all good.

I guess I'm just tired of absolutists. I'm tired of people who say that there is only one right way. I also am annoyed at people who always say: "My teacher says..." It's great to have teachers. I enjoy my teachers, but wait, I have more than one. I don't just defer to what one person says. I also prefer teachers that encourage you to think for yourself. After all, they are just saying what works for them or has been true for them, from their own experience. There is no gospel truth in yoga or anything else in life. I feel at times there are some fundamentalists in yoga. No thanks. Please take your assertion of your truth and share it, but don't shove it down my throat. Please don't patronize me either.

Okay, enough ranting. I need to practice some loving kindness towards myself and others. Time for some tonglen in my spiritual practice.

Namaste,
Lisa

Returning to myself and the mat...

2010-07-02T15:24:00.001-04:00

Gosh, it's been forever since I wrote here. I finally find myself coming out of the dark night of the soul. When I probably really needed to get on the mat during the past year and a half or so, I didn't. I found solace in daily chanting. Kirtan music uplifted me, especially Jai Uttal's. My meditation practice sustained me through some rough times. Physical postures as a daily practice were just not happening for some reason. I focused more on my spiritual yoga practice. I mean, it's all really spiritual though when you think about it, right?

Lately, my physical body has been speaking to me. It has wanted to stretch and to do some work with asana again. I have to schedule it in my planner. This is how things get done in my life. I have to schedule them or they don't get done. It's a practical thing.

Wow, as I'm typing, I'm realizing how much my life has changed in the past couple of months. I am no longer scrambling to earn a living. With my hubby's return to engineering, I find myself being able to focus again on my business. I also do not have my job any more. It feels like such a blessing to be able to return to myself and what I'm passionate about in life. I also find that I'm able to return to the yoga mat more easily. When you're focused on survival, it is hard to give yourself the luxury of time on the mat or for other self-care. It's true that is when you really need it. But, I learned to not chide myself or feel guilty for letting my asana practice slide a bit.

I know that some teachers say it's better to do 15-20 minutes per day of asana than to do 2-3 one-hour sessions per week. I guess it varies with me. I've been finding that I don't always need a yoga DVD or studio class in order to do yoga. I like to just make it up as I go. It's fun and creative that way. I love to do this before I play guitar. It helps my notes to flow better when I practice my music. The other night, I even had a dream about using a yoga book to do my asana practice, much like a cook uses a cookbook to make a special meal. This made me smile. I knew exactly which book I was meant to utilize. It is Cindy Lee's Om Yoga book. I love that little book with the stick figures. It was the first yoga book I ever purchased. I guess it's about returning to the basics. I'm all about simple, basic, and have this down-to-earth-ness about me. It is who I am.

I love how more of my inner guidance comes through as I take action steps to improve my life. If only I could take this special time for myself more. It's good to be still and quiet. These quiet moments are where your heart speaks to you. Your inner guidance and knowing and truth comes forth. It helps you to do what you know you need to do--even if just because it calls to you for no good reason. It is still your truth and it calls for you to honor it.

Returning to myself feels so divine! I'm feeling in recovery a bit from all of the self-imposed stress of the past year and a half. I've had to pace myself as of late. During this past month of not working at my job, I've stopped to feel the tiredness in my physical body, the mental fatigue, the emotional and spiritual drains, and realized that all I really wanted during my dark night of the soul was a good rest. I took a few naps this month. I listened to meditation CD's. I read a book for longer than 10 minutes. I sat outside to watch the animals and birds and the clouds. All of this felt like living in the lap of luxury. I once needed to spend so much money on externals to get such temporary happiness. I experimented recently with shopping for fun. I walked around in circles, not being compelled to spend money on things that I don't need. It has been surely liberating to live more simply. That was one of the blessings to emerge from the past year and a half during my voluntary scaled back life.

My asana practice has been gentle and flowing. I notice my movements feel as though I'm making them in a pool of water. I love the fluidity of my body. I feel grateful for my physical body for carrying me through the rough moments of the past year and a half. I feel grateful to myself for taking good care of myself by eating well, exercising daily (indoor cycling, etc.), along with cutting down on caffeine. It is divine to have a physical body, don't you think?

A gal pal sent me two dance videos for exercise as a gift recently. Also, I'm taking a dance class soon. These things have come gently into my life and I know it is for some reason that will make sense later. The Universe wants me to dance, to dream, and to love...how wonderful...

Namaste,
Lisa

So far, so good...

2010-04-29T17:40:00.000-04:00

I dedicated myself (again) this week to my yoga practice (asana one). I didn't do any yesterday, but so far, so good. I've been feeling much better. The thing is that my body has felt pretty beaten up. I could feel areas of tension that I've been holding onto for many months during the most stressful time of my life. I'm so glad these areas are melting. I've let go of much of my internal stress about finances and the future.

I still feel a bit anxious though. I really feel like I'm not fully living my life purpose. But, I have always seemed to have had this feeling throughout my life. I'm not sure where this anxiousness comes from, but I guess that my homework is to learn acceptance. I have a hard time fully accepting the status quo in my life. My ego feels like it would be accepting mediocrity. Yeah, I've felt mediocre for some time. I try and try to see myself as simply planting seeds for my future success.

But, spiritual me knows that right now is the only moment. I also see the areas in which I'm a success. I have a great marriage, wonderful health, musical ability among other talents, loving family and friends, and so much more to be grateful for in my life. The only thing I have not figured out is how to make enough money to earn a living. I feel like a failure in this regard. Some people search all of their life for their soulmate or for the Holy Grail of health. I'm in search of meaningful work that helps others. Wait, I've found it through my current work as an intuitive and healer. But, I've not ever been able to support myself financially completely doing healing work. I've done all kinds of release and healing work on my blocks too. I have to believe at some point that it will come to me. Even though I don't have physical evidence yet of the growth, I'm planting the seeds. Having faith and trust perhaps is the biggest challenge faced by humans, don't you think?

How do you balance purpose with money? Is there an area of your life that you have tried everything and are still not the success you desire to be? I'd love to hear about your journey and have you share your wisdom.

Namaste,
Lisa

Getting back to my asana practice :)

2010-04-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

I recently made the public declaration that I would return to my asana practice today, April 26, 2010 at 6:00 a.m. Well, I did return this a.m. to the mat, but it was at 7:00 a.m. instead. I slept horribly last night, waking up feeling hungover (again), despite not drinking any alcohol. I felt resistant at first to getting back on the mat, but I knew I'd feel better on all levels if I just did it like the famous shoe slogan.

I just did a half hour of the Kripalu "Gentle Yoga" DVD. I meditated afterwards. I noticed my shoulder tension melted away. I felt less exhausted after meditation. I felt more peaceful until I drove to work. I had an impatient driver honk at me and I met his impatience with my own, if you catch my drift. I didn't feel good about myself, but I'm working today to shift that karmic seed I planted into something more positive for myself and others.

Whenever I do yoga, I always wonder why I have so many start's and stop's with it. I wonder why I have excuses for not doing it. It helps me tremendously. I feel more connected to the Universe--a great feeling.

I may have to be more flexible with the time of my yoga practice as I also work out in the a.m. upon rising for cycling and soon, I'll be getting back into training for running. I'm also open to an evening practice, instead of sitting in front of the television, which I admit I've done more than usual lately. It's not like me to sit in front of the television. I usually read or journal during that time or listen to a podcast of a spiritual teacher or from my guru.

Anyway, some notes on my returning, again, to my asana practice.

Blessings and namaste,
Lisa

Emergence into the light

2010-04-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

I'm overcoming the dark night of the soul. The place where you are not able to see the light. As I emerge into the light, I notice that it repels some people. I am working to not take it personally, just blessing them on their paths. They have their own lessons as do I.

Lately, I am getting guidance to return to my asana practice. This past year and a half, I've mostly been listening to kirtan music and also, doing some mantras, along with meditation. I have missed the physical aspect of my practice.

The only challenge I find is that this guidance is telling me to get up at 6:00 a.m. each morning to do asana and to meditate. Yikes, I already get up at 7:00 a.m. My ego is not liking the idea of losing an hour of sleep. But, I wake up each day at 7:00 a.m. feeling anxious because I'm not having a physical yoga practice right now.

I read this article on-line recently about making a publication declaration helping you to stick to your goals. Well, maybe I need to do that too. So, I'm shooting for starting an asana practice starting Monday, April 26, 2010 at 6:00 a.m. each day.

Whew, that declaration makes me a bit nervous. But, truth be told, once I arise, I love the feeling of the solitude of the morning hours. I love watching the sun rise. I love hearing the birds chirp as the world wakes up.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath and going to breathe in these gifts of having a daily morning yoga practice. I know I can do it.

Sending me some love and good wishes! I send you the same...

Namaste,
Lisa

Crashing-on-the-couch-Asana

2010-02-24T15:09:00.000-05:00

Gosh, I've been so tired as of late. I've been working very hard for a long time. Caffeine has helped me to push through my fatigue and exhaustion. However, now and then, the chemicals don't work. My body crashes. Last night, I crashed on the couch on my hubby's lap, waking up in such shock that I had been out for well over an hour. I call it Crashing-On-the-Couch-Asana.

So far, this has been my only yoga for the week...

What about you? What has your practice been like lately?

Namaste,
Lisa

I'm in need of being delivered :)

2010-02-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Lately, my yoga consists of me taking a breath in and a breath out. I've been busy working full-time, along with running my business. I started to exercise and train again for bicycling so that when the weather gets warmer, I'll be able to again enjoy one of my favorite past-times--mountain biking.

Yes, I've been so busy, but that is human and "normal", right? I have to say it's not my favorite way to live. I prefer a slower pace in my life.

The most difficult aspect I'm still dealing with is change. I've talked about my massive changes of the past year in this blog. I am still dealing with these same changes. I keep on keeping on and working to wade through this big ball of confusion. I'm used to having more clarity and definition in my life. I'm working to go with the flow. At times, I just wish I lived by the ocean so that I could more easily remember what the state of flow looks like and feels like...It seems like dealing with massive life change might be a bit easier living by the ocean, in paradise. Yet, I'm writing this in my downtime, about 1 mile from Detroit proper. The energies are dense around here. It's not for me, but I'm here for a while it seems. I'm an ocean girl, a free spirit.

I would like to be delivered from these conditions that I created in my life. It feels like a big ball of tangled necklaces right now for me. I just keep untangling them one at a time. It's all I can do.

I plan on returning to my evening yoga practice after the Olympics are done. It's been nice to sit on the couch after a long day and watch the Olympics on television with my husband. I must need some rest :)

Trying to enjoy the ride...

Namaste,
Lisa

Happy New Year, Happy 2010! My Reflections on My 2009...

2010-01-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

(Photo credit: personal collection)

Happy New Year and Happy 2010! I can't believe the new year is upon me. The past two months have just flown by so quickly. I have neglected my blog here for a while, but I'm seeing it as all good versus beating myself up for not posting. The big-time bloggers say never to talk about why you haven't blogged. Whatever...

My yoga practice continues to be the gentle variety. I am doing gentle yoga. My hubby has started to do some yoga with me in the evening. We're even reading/studying the Yoga Sutra together (Master Patanjali's work translated). Towards the end of November, hubby and I both received darshan from Amma, the Hugging Saint. We had never done anything like that. What lovely energy! We're starting to be a yoga couple. Wow, I love it!

During late November, I was introduced to the kirtan music of Jai Uttal. His one double CD is carried at my work place. A coworker opened a sample set of the CD's up. My heart felt so open listening to this sacred music. It really shifted my energies. I felt like I had come home. It reminded me of the first time I heard punk rock music! Yes, I fit in! I found something that resonates with me.

At the time, I was really struggling with the physical pain of an ulcer of mine that had flared up. I think I have things under control physically now, but listening to Jai's music was the only thing that helped me to feel better. I also noticed that it lifted my depression. I've been having some situational depression now for about a year or so. I'm ready to be healed. I'm ready to be happy again. This is a nice way to start. You have to start where you're at--in my humble opinion. Sometimes, my affirmations have been, "I'm trying to be happy." Yes, I know New Agers will say that is keeping me in the trying energy. However, for me, it shifted me towards where I desired to be. I couldn't believe, "I am happy" as an affirmation in 2009. It just wasn't cutting it for me. I'm totally okay with that too. I'm now affirming: "Every day, I get happier and happier." It feels good. One day I will get to the "I am happy now." I'm just not there yet.

So, for a while there, my yoga was a bit more devotional in nature--chanting, praying, meditating, and soaking in all the energies. It's chocolate for the soul, for sure. I've been working to be gentle on myself.

As I've healed up physically, I find that my body is craving asana. I'm also feeling like nesting on the couch other times wrapped in my Snuggie. (It's hilarious to me to meditate wearing my Snuggie. I feel very monastic in appearance aside from my really long hair.) I seem to vascillate between the two states of being--yoga versus on couch wrapped in Snuggie. Both are pretty delicious actually.

I've had some hard times mentally and emotionally as of late, intensified by the holiday energies. This holiday season was the first one without my father-in-law. I've been there before with the grief, so I'm trying my best to support my husband in his grief. About 5 years ago, my grandfather passed on Christmas Eve. The hardest holiday season for me was 2001 after my grandma and best friend passed due to cancer. 'Tis not the season for me to be jolly. I'm okay with that though.

Yep, the holidays aren't always for the faint of heart. I'm a big believer in tender-loving care and compassion towards oneself during these times. I don't push myself really hard any longer during the holidays. I give mainly homemade gifts. I don't go to a lot of parties. We prefer to relax, not rush. It just feels better. I like a more simpler life.

To be honest though, I'm actually surprised at times when I think about having survived the past year. It was so turbulent for me. In hindsight, I can see that I caused myself most of my distress and anxiety. I knew that though as I experienced it, but I couldn't find any consoling or healing. I wasn't allowing the healing to take place in my life.

I have been on such a rollercoaster emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. During the past two months, my physical body started to get my attention to remind me of this rollercoaster effect. I know that worry doesn't help anything, especially not ulcers. I had to stop, rest, and listen to my body.

The hardest thing for me is to let go. I suck at this! I must have really needed to learn that this past year. After my spouse voluntarily took a severance package (called a "buyout") from his engineering job, there was no discussion of our plans. Our marriage became strained and there were many arguments. All I wanted was to have some idea of my husband's plans for the future. But, it seemed he was pretty content earning $7/hour in his new career area.

Suddenly, I was faced with decisions. I've never had to think in terms of being the breadwinner or even contributing signficantly to the household income. Luckily, we have no children to support financially. We also do not have high living expenses. But, yet, I felt so disrespected because I was never asked if it would be okay for us to have such a drastic lifestyle reduction.

But, when I was really honest with myself, I discovered that I had been longing to reduce and simplify my life. I felt relieved to have my life pared down to the basics. The thing that really caused me so much pain was not knowing about future plans. I'd like to at least have a preliminary plan of some sort. I like the safety and security of a plan. Well, my ego likes it.

I also felt pretty helpless during 2009. Although I have a college degree, I've not really worked in a traditional day job since 1996. I went to massage school in 1998, so I have been involved in the healing arts since then in some way. I can't do massage due to physical injuries. It is too hard on my body.

I started to investigate graduate school, along with jobs that I'm qualified to get and still earn a living. Once I went down this path, I started to run into all kinds of obstacles. I couldn't get any clarity on what to do. Luckily, I manifested a pretty cool job. Even though it doesn't pay all of our bills, it has helped tremendously for our household income. I still get to work in my field. I'm still looking at my options though for a real day job. I'd love a job with a regular paycheck and health insurance. I'll take it!

I soon became honest again with myself. I realized that I really didn't want to live so pared down any longer. I am grateful for food and shelter, but once in a while, I'd like to be able to buy a book or take a class. I'd like to eat a meal out once in a while. I long to travel again. I'm not really the Coach purse type of gal though, so at least my lifestyle reduction program wasn't too painful. I'm glad to be a frumpie punk rocker/hippie chick hybrid fashion-wise. It's much cheaper. I always shopped at Target for my clothes prior to this lifestyle reduction or the sale rack at PacSun or Old Navy.

Gratitude was my focus this past year. I realized in a really tangible way how blessed I am. I have a lot. It's all relative really. For example, I work near Detroit, Michigan. Some people can't afford to pay for their heat. I am never going to allow myself to take anything for granted, including the little things. When friends and family gifted me things, I was so in Heaven to have such luxuries like soap that I didn't have to buy or some gourmet coffee. These were so appreciated! I've always been about the little things though, but they affected me in such a profound way. I was so grateful in a big way.

The one area that I've had a hard time with is holding onto my dreams and vision. When so much in your life falls away physically, you become focused on pure survival. I used to be a really creative person. For a while this past year, I couldn't even play guitar, one of my major passions. I couldn't focus. I was too worried. I was having a major case of Bag Lady Fear Syndrome! I really worried at times that I'd end up homeless. Ridiculous to have that fear, I know, but it was there nonetheless.

Often, I would sit and pray, bargaining with the divine. Just give me food and I'll be happy. I only need the basics. Let me keep my house. Just let me get a new sweater or two to stay warm. Just give me the basics.

The big dreams felt so far away. I didn't want to hold onto them at times and yes, I let them go. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I realized I was living in a situation that could best be described as "voluntary poverty." Both my husband and I graduated from a top school with degrees. I used to cry and cry rivers of tears thinking about all the money I needlessly spent when he made an engineer's salary. I wished to get it back.

I felt regret. I felt guilty. I felt like a failure.

I'm still dealing with releasing the feelings of failure. I thought after college in 1994, I'd attend law school and become a successful attorney. I had a change of heart after getting diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome in 1998. I am better today, but I've had several major 180 degree turns when it came to career and life purpose. I feel like I'm way behind schedule at times.

The one missing thing in my life so far has been being able to earn a living. I've never quite mastered the financial piece. Hubby always said I didn't have to work. I didn't need a job financially, but my heart needed one. That has been the blessing of returning to a job. I've loved being out of the house and well, feeling "useful." I'll always work at least part-time, even if I get my business to the successful point I desire.

Some people have the missing piece in different life areas such as romance. I'm blessed in that area because I'm married to my best friend. At times this past year, I really wanted to give up even in that area. I was hurt and so frustrated. I was tired of the fights my husband and I would have. I felt out of the loop in his future plans. I felt disrespected and not given any credit for my sacrifices.

I returned to my journaling practice to gain insights into my feelings when it came to my hubby. I was surprised to see anger turn up as an emotion that I was working on healing. This really shocked me. I was mad at my husband on some level. I was mad especially at myself for being such a total loser and not being able to become the breadwinner this past year. I guess had I been given a bit more notice, perhaps, I'd have made it work? I still beat myself up over this.

On the yoga mat, I find that there is an area of my body that I used to think would never improve. I have really tight hamstrings from years of bicycling and running. Sometimes, the tight hamstrings limit me in asanas. I've been noticing lately though that forward bends are getting better for me. I'm loosening up and allowing my body to open up more. I'd like this flexibility to be translated to my mind and spirit. That is the goal of yoga--at least for me...Flexibility on all levels! I'm seeing myself as flexible. Something as tight and rigid as my hamstrings can improve. Wow, so that gives me hope :)

I suppose there is light at the end of the tunnel. I really want the end of my tunnel to have some palm trees and sunshine. I don't really ask for much.

Namaste,

Lisa

Instant Ego Remover

2009-11-03T22:33:00.001-05:00

(Letting go of the dark clouds of the ego! Photo credit: my personal collection, 2008, San Diego, CA)

Sometimes traveling the spiritual path, I've found myself in my ego. I'm not the type to believe that I'm superior to others. The type of ego identification that I'm talking about is where I feel sorry for myself. I'm not really one to hold pity parties, but at times, in the past, I've felt that I was a lost cause. Have you ever felt that way momentarily?

During this past year of massive changes in my life, I've often felt really hopeless. I guess if I wanted to get technical, I've been experiencing a bit of a situational depression. It's the type of depression related to a situation. I'm slowly coming out of this depression, however. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are lightening up.

I'm prone to feeling more blue when the seasons shift. Less time outdoors really gets to me. I also don't tolerate the cold and darkness very much. I'm a sun girl at heart. The other day, it was raining and damp. It seems that type of weather pattern is the norm when I have to make a trip to the grocery store. I felt down last week on the way to the grocery store. Shopping for even essentials has not been fun for me this past year. I shudder to think about spending money on even things that I need. My budget has been drastically reduced due to my spouse's work situation dramatically shifting. Part of me is happier with the lifestyle reduction, simplification, and prioritizing. However, part of me is quite frankly stressed, anxious, and freaked out.

As I walked around the grocery store, I wondered what happened to the old me. I used to love going shopping for groceries. I'd see the whole experience as an exercise in helping others. I used to be a magnet for people needing help of all kinds as we picked out our selections in each aisle. I found it fun to help people to reach things, to help open doors for moms with strollers, to help people find items in the store, and to smile at everyone I would meet.

I found myself recalling this for some reason. I felt horrible about myself. I was not a beacon of hope any longer. I felt out of commission as a lightworker. I felt sad, downtrodden, and depressed as much as everyone else there at the store--and, others in the metro Detroit area. In metro Detroit, we have one of the worst economic situations any place in the world. Many have lost their jobs and their homes. My hubby and I are lucky in some ways. We've been able to keep our house by adjusting our lifestyle in a major way.

As I shopped around, I felt nervous buying the Halloween candy to give out to the kids. It wasn't in my budget, but I decided it was too important to ignore this holiday, my absolute favorite holiday. (By the way, not many people in my subdivision handed out candy on Halloween. It is a sad sign of the times. People can't afford these type of things any more it seems.) I saw tons of Christmas decorations and supplies being put out in the grocery store. I started to shudder. "Gosh, the cold weather and Christmas is coming!" I thought to myself. I disliked the holidays last year. I couldn't go all out and buy people tons of lavish gifts. I had to do lots of handmade gifts.

Stress and anxiety overcame me that day at the grocery store for some reason. I felt totally deflated and hopeless. I had no idea why I chose this mindset or mood. I tried to muster a smile in line at the checkout. A younger gal had only 3 items. I told her to go ahead of me. I felt better doing a nice deed for someone. I felt like I could redeem myself for being so down and not being the shining beacon of hope that I used to be while grocery shopping.

My turn to check out came and I handed the clerk my reusable cloth bags. She smiled at me and I smiled back. The clerk was shorter than myself (I'm only 5'2). Each of her movements seemed belabored. Her job was clearly too physical for her. The line started to get backed up. I tried to help her back my groceries as much as I could. We started some small talk. I looked down at her nametag. Her name was Ingrid.

Ingrid said she had been diagnosed with depression years ago and had tried about 8-9 different medications. The doctors said they couldn't help her. Ingrid said she was depressed even when it was sunny outside and in the summer. Her life consisted of working at the grocery store and on her days off, she said she'd have to spend all day in bed. I could feel her pain. She tried to talk about her life in a positive way. Even her words seemed to be hard to get out. I guess I'd be depressed too if I worked at a grocery store under the artificial lighting.

Trying to be as positive as I could, I asked her what helped her with her depression. At this point, I didn't care that the line was backing up :) She said nothing helped her to feel better. I found myself asking her if she had ever thought of doing yoga. This surprised even me because I don't like to preach to others or recommend things unless they ask for my opinion.

Ingrid asked if you had to go to the gym to do yoga. I told her that there were DVD's she could buy and do it at home. She said that she couldn't afford a DVD player. This about broke my heart. Earlier that day, I had a coupon at major chain bookstore for 40% off and had purchased a yoga DVD for myself. I thought I could've gone out in my car and brought the DVD back to gift it to her. Then, I mentioned that there are still some VHS tapes of yoga around. But, no, she could not afford a VCR even. Holding back my tears, I told her that the library had some books on it that she could check out. She seemed interested, but also, highly resistant. So, I stopped giving her options. I tried to radiate compassion towards her.

Ingrid handed me my receipt. I looked into her eyes and I told her not to give up hope. I told her to believe that she'll feel better. I also said that I was going to send her loving energies and angels. I told her that things would get better. I was shocked by my own words. I rarely have ever talked to "strangers" this way. Sometimes though, I really believe that we need to give others hope. I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up to give some small amount of hope to someone.

As I walked out of the grocery store towards my car, I felt tears streaming down my face. I realized that my message for Ingrid was also for me. I needed the message of hope just as much as she did. I felt a gratitude in my heart for our paths having crossed.

I also felt my ego instantly kicked to the curb. Gosh, for Heaven's sake, my life is not that bad! It actually rocks! (Isn't it all relative?) I can afford yoga tapes, DVD's mind you, and even a DVD player. Just being able to get out of bed in the morning is a gift. Being able to physically do things such as walk or lift things--what a gift!

I've had these a-ha type of moments before, but this one really hit me hard. It hit me in my heart. I realized that I really needed this kick in the butt to remember to be grateful for my life. I also suddenly remembered how much better I feel when I'm loving and of service to others. Being of service and helping others gets you out of your ego and the "poor me" energy really quickly. No matter how impoverished you think you are, you still can give to others--words of encouragement count too!

I also remembered part of my life mission to empower others. I would like to do it on a bigger scale, helping women to feel confident and happy. I also would like to help the planet, the environment, the animals, and the children. Yoga, which means "union" in the Sanskrit language feels like the perfect vehicle to serve others on a larger scale. I really resonate with the yoga studios that have by donation classes to help others in this economy. Yoga is so needed right now, at least in my book.

So, that was my instant ego remover. I guess I needed the reminder. I know too that I can't permanently remove my ego, but if I can lessen its effects...that would be a good thing.

Time to remember all that I'm grateful for in my blessed life!

Blessings!

Namaste,
Lisa

Boundaries, Speaking Up, and Expanding the Comfort Zone...all with un-pedicured feet!

2009-10-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

(The joys of fall! Photo Credit: Giuagulias, Flickr, Creative Commons License)

This week was an interesting week both on and off the mat. On the mat was quite nice actually. The first few days of the week, I had motivation to get up out of my warm bed and into the frigid living room to do some yoga in the a.m. prior to sunrise. I felt great on these days. Later in the week, I wanted to stay in bed. I managed to do yoga Saturday (yesterday). Yesterday's yoga made me a bit dizzy. It was a vinyasa flow series I did to a DVD. Great DVD and teacher, but I felt like I wanted to hurl. Then, I realized that I had low blood sugar. Live and learn...

This week, I undid the last pedicure of the year. I took my toenail polish off. I used to wear it all year round, but I decided the past two winters to give my nails a rest. Sometimes, when I take yoga classes at some studios, I notice most women have their toenails painted all year round. I guess it's because I live in suburbia! :) Ah well, different strokes for different yoga folks. For myself, I don't need to have a pretty pedicure all year round. I refuse to do my makeup too before I go to the yoga studio. Most of the time, I do yoga at home in the morning while I'm still in my pajamas. It's cozy that way for me. I don't need to put on my fancy yoga clothing.

Off the mat, I felt challenged, but somehow, I stayed grounded and in my loving power. In every life area (except my marriage, thankfully), I had to speak up for myself. Usually, I'm the quiet pushover. I just agree with everything and everyone--I mean, in the past. It all started with an event I was at last weekend. I was hired to do 2 hours, but they kept me there for 4 hours, knowing they were supposed to pay more. They didn't and I said nothing. I felt drained. People were drinking and towards the end of the evening, one guy was using hairspray to have fun with lit candles. I was exhausted for a few days needless to say.

After the event that went awry was over, I found myself speaking up gently to a coworker. Then, on a message board I frequent. Next, I had to speak up to a client. When I say "speak up," I don't mean yelling by any means. I'm talking about calmly and lovingly asserting my boundaries. I rarely say what I need. It felt like I had to do it after years of being a pushover. I didn't feel too guilty either about any of this. I felt empowered. I felt more like myself. It felt good I must say. Thank you, throat chakra! :) It only took me 37 years to learn how to do this speaking up thing. I know I'm a work in progress. There is much more to learn. I'm grateful that I've been pretty centered and grounded, even though I've been super busy with work and running my business.

This coming week, I need to work on a resistance I seem to have. I resist doing things that I really enjoy as of late. I resist them because I don't always feel like I deserve to have downtime to have fun such as time with friends or playing guitar. I find myself energized by playing my own music and listening to others' music. At times, I get scared thinking that this last thing left for me to enjoy will be taken away. Everything else fun or luxurious has fallen from my life this past year due to major life changes. I guess that it's ridiculous to think someone or something could take music from me. I guess I am on guard for no reason, but yet, I find myself resistant to pursuing it. Time to just go with the flow. I found it fun to have jam sessions with my husband this week with us each playing guitar. It was wonderful energy.

My other resistance is about the cooler weather. I don't like to run outdoors in the winter, even though I know I'll be warm enough. I don't like to freeze. I probably have it mixed up in some way with winter bicycling. I used to freeze on my bike due to the windchill. Running generates more heat. Part of me is just frustrated and so tired of living in the Midwest. I can't handle the cold any more. I really need to embrace it more and to have gratitude for the things that I do have and get to enjoy while living here.

I plan on returning to the yoga studio this week for a class. I have missed in-person yoga classes. I was thrilled last week to discover that I had 5 sessions left on a package I purchased when I had a lot better finances. I stopped doing yoga there and then, altogether for a while. It was such a hard year this past year on so many levels. When I really needed my yoga, I abandoned it. I guess it was for my learning in some way. I missed it, but the part of this year in which I was working on my business for 10-12 hours per day, I didn't think I had time or could give myself the time to do something that I enjoy. Gosh, I have to get rid of this pattern. I need to embrace that at times I'm a bit of a slacker. Oh wait, slacker sounds a bit judgmental of myself. Okay, I embrace that I have cycles and rhythms like everyone else...and like Mother Nature. Maybe that is my lesson? Honoring the divine timing of everything from my yoga practice to possible future relocation to honoring my body's desires during each season of the year.

Mostly though, the thing I'm most happy about is that when I encountered the "difficult people" this week, I didn't even internally call them names. Hee hee! I just blessed them. I used to be prone to directing the "f" bomb energy at them silently. Now, I can just laugh inside. I know that I manifested these situations and people to help me to live my yoga. Talk about a work in progress! I have so much more to learn when it comes to handling people. I know it all starts with myself though. People are just sacred mirrors that reflect me and who I am, what I think, etc.

I smiled this week at my friend's cat stretching, doing a perfect Downward Cat. Her kitty understands that you need to sometimes stretch yourself past your comfort zone. I noticed it with my squirrel and bird friends this week as they allowed a brown bunny to eat at their table outdoors with them. They stretched themselves to be comfortable with a new friend.

Have a great week!

Namaste,
Lisa

A-ha Moments That Rocked This Week!

2009-10-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

(Photo Credit: my personal collection, Malibu, CA 2006, El Matador)

I discovered some things about myself this week when it comes to my yoga practice. Here are some of them--the ones I can remember and articulate:

1. I need to do yoga in the morning first thing upon rising. It helps me to get moving physically and mentally. If I don't do it first thing, I find that I resist it all day or put it off to do other things.

2. I enjoy doing yoga prior to going to work. I work a part-time job a few days per week. I like to do yoga and then, meditate prior to breakfast. I have to wait an hour before eating anyway due to my thyroid medication.

3. I love meditating after yoga. After all, it's the yoga postures that prepare you for meditation. I used to do meditation and then, I would do yoga (asana). I always seem to get things backwards. Oh well...Live and learn!

4. I need to have music with yoga! I miss going into the studio by me for classes to have a live teacher. I also miss the music. Yoga DVD music is pretty boring, at least for me.

5. I think I found a style of yoga that resonates with me. I have the one book on Jivamukti reserved for me at the bookstore. I'm picking it up tomorrow. However, I'm going to keep exploring various styles and teachers of yoga for a while. It's part of who I am to investigate things and to really delve into them. I'm a research type of person.

6. I love having a-ha moments like these. I'd like them more often. I'd like them to really, really rock my world. I'm putting it out there!

This week, I enjoyed yoga a few times in the morning. I would like to work up to daily asana practice. I still feel drawn to teach yoga for some reason. I had a conversation about it with a friend of mine who is a yoga teacher during lunch this week. I'm too perfectionistic though. I feel like I need to be an expert in things before I study them. It's just my ego. Besides, the best way to be a teacher is to be a student :)

Hope you're enjoying your week!

Namaste,
Lisa

Hibernation, caffeine, and fun with yoga...

2009-10-04T11:41:00.000-04:00

(Photo Credit: ucumari, Flickr, Creative Commons License)

Hibernation
This week's weather has been really cold--at least for me. Brr! I have been needing more sleep in the morning, so I've been squeezing everything in during the morning hours. I feel a bit rushed. Waking up to the cold, dark mornings makes me want to stay in my warm, cozy bed. I guess my ego is fighting me again. I've found that if I just get up and do my yoga and meditation, I feel more energized than if I slept the extra hour or two. I find final relaxation pose or savasana to be really rejuvenating. I once saw a t-shirt that said something like: "Take two savasanas and call me in the morning!" I love the silly yoga t-shirts. I think one day, I'll have my own line of fun t-shirts for yoga.

Caffeine
I also have been drinking more warm beverages. This year, I've been tending towards caffeinated ones. Yikes! I need to cut down on my caffeine. I guess it is where I am right now. I just need to be gentle with myself. Once I tell myself that I can't have coffee or tea, I'll be wanting it more. So, I just try to drink it with as much love as possible. After all, it's pretty much my only "bad" habit--physically at least :)

Fun With Yoga
I managed to get a few sessions of yoga in this week. I have noticed that I have been better at focusing during yoga and this has translated into more focus off the mat. I am the type of person who likes to see how others do things. I have been observing how the yoga practitioners focus in the videos I practice to and well, this has made me realize something. I really prefer it when people at least smile once during teaching yoga. I can't handle it when there is too much austerity or seriousness. I'm way too playful. I guess this is a huge lesson for me as I embark on finding the right yoga teachers for me. I really believe it's okay to have fun while doing yoga. I feel more openhearted and alive when I'm having fun. It's very important to me to have these qualities off the mat, so why wouldn't I have them during my practice?

I'm going to shop around for a new yoga DVD this week. I'll let you know how it goes...you can count on that :)

Namaste,
Lisa

Age is just a number!

2009-09-28T16:26:00.001-04:00

(I make age 37 look good!)

About two years ago, I almost freaked out. Luckily, it was only temporary. This almost freaking out lasted about 30 seconds. After turning 35, I heard my first television commercial that mentioned "women aged 35 or older." I rarely watch television any how, but something about the voice felt forboding. It felt like the announcer of the commercial was saying that life needs to be lived more cautiously when a gal turns 35. I mean, I really appreciate the health information, but since I do not smoke or take birth control pills, I really have few health considerations. I'm very healthy. I only take a natural thyroid medication daily. I'm fit with healthy habits. The worst thing I do is occasionally drink coffee.

Now, at age 37, about to turn 38 in January 2010, I find myself looking at the age 40 transition. I cancel the limiting beliefs I have about turning 40 with positive affirmations. I examined this and actually discovered that I was allowing others' limiting beliefs about turning 40 to get into my head. I'm sure you've heard people say things like the following:

"Your metabolism shuts down when you turn 40."

"You will get more tired once you turn 40."

"Your body really starts to break down at age 40."

"You can't lose weight as easily when you turn 40 as you did in your 20's or 30's."

Ugh...Cancel all of those, PLEASE! These are just limiting beliefs. Beliefs can be changed. You can shift your mindset to be positive and create the life you desire. Seriously!

Ever since I turned 30, I have been working with the mindset that I'm getting better with age. I really believe this. I have been getting more fit and healthy physically, but also, I have noticed that my mind is more peaceful and clear. My spirit is more free to be the real me. Life is good.

This mindset didn't happen overnight. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome when I was 26. I had been quite sick for a long time. The road to health was not always easy and it took me a lot of work. I discovered positive thinking late in my healing journey, but I have no regrets. I know that illness was my teacher. It led me to greater clarity about my life purpose as well as affirming the priorities in my life. Each year since I was diagnosed, I have become healthier and healthier. In fact, I do not refer to myself as having chronic fatigue at all. Along the way, I reversed most of my allergies, rheumatoid arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, hypoglycemia, and a host of other physical health things.

The thing was that I have always been into healthy living ever since I was really quite young. I was always an athlete and low food chain eater. I guess at age 26, I needed a wake up call of sorts to help me to return to myself. There have been many gifts too numerous to name in a short blog post.

So, I honestly do not believe in those limiting things above when it comes to being a certain age. Age is just a number in my book. I'm planning on running my first marathon by the time I'm 40 (or at least be training for it by then). I also plan to return to mountain bike racing by then. I have big plans for myself when it comes to my life purpose too. I plan on being an author, teacher, and speaker, traveling the world. I also see myself taking my music (electric guitar) to the next level. I'm going to have tons of energy to rock and roll and inspire and help others to live their passions and visions. Hell yeah!

I observe as I run that I sometimes pass people in their teen years often on the local track. Yes, I notice their young age. It's only human to notice where we are at in our life journeys. However, more than myself and my "abilities," I find that I'm more inspired by yoginis in their 60's, 70's, and 80's. I've met them in yoga classes I've taken. I'm inspired by the supposedly "old people" who enter and win their age group in Ironman triathlons. I'm inspired by the paralympic athletes who push themselves to be the best. I'm inspired by the Special Olympians who do what they love simply 'cause they love it. To me, all ages and abilities are inspiring.

Yes, I'm getting better with age. I wear a smaller size than I did in my 20's. I am getting more flexible in body, mind, and spirit. I accept myself more and more each day. I feel wiser. Little things do not stress me out or piss me off as much as they did in my 20's or 30's. I am happier. I have more fun. Life keeps getting better and better. I could care less about an occasional grey hair or a wrinkle (I just get my hair colored and put on some lotion. It's okay to want to look great. Everyone does it differently and it's perfect!).

What about you? Do you have any limiting beliefs about your age? Why? What can you do to become more in alignment with "aging"? How are you getting better with age?

Here's to feeling awesome at every age!

Namaste,
Lisa

The future yoga teacher speaks...

2009-09-27T17:31:00.001-04:00

(Photo Credit: Distorted Smile, Flickr, Creative Commons License)

I had insomnia one night this week, so I got up to read. I decided to finish reading a book gifted to me by a yoga teacher friend. It's a version of the yoga sutras for women by Nischala Joy Devi. Here's the link: I have spent a good year reading this version on and off. It's still a lot for me to digest. I have not read any other version of the yoga sutras. I guess I need to do that first so I sorta get it better. I push myself so much to understand complex teachings right away. I know it's a process though and I can't rush it. I'm actually reading more these days in my down time at work. It's such a blessing. I would like to pick up some of the sacred yoga texts and read them in 2010. Maybe Santa will bring them for me?

I started to do a different yoga DVD this week as well. I guess I'm the type of person who always likes newness. I remembered picking up a DVD, flashcard, and booklet set a while back at the bookstore very inexpensively. I have been doing work with this set: I enjoyed the yoga DVD very much. The postures are taught in a simple way with no frills. I like simple.

I love this set! I have been carrying around the booklet and flashcards with me so that I can learn the Sanskrit name for some of the yoga postures. I notice that yoga teachers at studios I've been to rarely provide the Sanskrit names. I guess I'd be okay with just the English versions if I didn't desire to become a yoga teacher one day.

Speaking of becoming a yoga teacher, I'm really drawn to it, as I have mentioned here before. The thing is...I wonder how many years I have to have my own practice before I'm ready to teach. I'm not one to dive into things, but I've felt this calling inside of me since 1999. I have done yoga sporadically for 10 years. This year I've returned to a regular practice. I'm having fun exploring styles and teachers of various forms of yoga. I know that one day I'll find the right program for me.

I have not found much support for teaching yoga. I've been told that you can't make a lot of money doing it. This one cracks me up. I don't really get into things for just the money. Others have said that to really be "qualified," one has to have a practice for at least three years of daily practice. I also have heard 10 years as the amount of time. Geesh, if I wait that long, I'll never do it. Besides, by becoming a teacher, it brings me the commitment and dedication to my practice. And, hello, I'm always going to be a student of yoga. Once you're a teacher, you don't stop learning--at least last time I checked.

I guess if I had to talk about my "qualifications," I'd mention that I have a background in bodywork, including clinical massage. I've been on the spiritual path for quite some time and have had a regular meditation practice too. Hmm...why do I have to wait again?

I'm intending that by the time I'm 40 (so, by 2012), I'll be ready to do my teacher training and will manifest the right teachers and course of study for me. And, so it is...

This week, I have been enjoying running outdoors, despite it getting colder outdoors due to the start of autumn. I even ran in the misty rain yesterday. I love taking my time as I run. It helps to clear my head. I've been following the practices in the Chi Running book and DVD by Danny Dreyer. I love it and highly recommend it for more efficient and effortless running. Here's the book: It's been a big deal to me to return to my running! Throughout my life, I've had knee injuries (what do you call an injured runner? A cyclist! Yep, that has been me for many years. I'll always do both bicycling and running, however as I love both!).

I felt challenged this week emotionally. I quit doing the Soul Coaching book by Denise Linn. It was too much for me right now. I'll return to this week again. With being on the internet less, I've been forced to deal with my emotions. I used to self-medicate my anxiety and stress by going on-line to work on my business. I also used the internet as a social connection. I've shifted and changed so much that my friendships have been changing too these past four to five years. I often wonder if I'll end up with any friends. Of course, I will, but right now, it feels a bit lonely for me.

On the bright side, I've been continuing to declutter. I have a clean desk now and it feels great. I also donated some goods to the Salvation Army that were waiting in my basement for quite some time. I really feel like I'll be moving soon. I am thinking that is why I'm drawing the Tower card when I give myself tarot readings. Gosh, I hope it's only me moving...Geesh, what is that all about?

I'm feeling guided to compile an ebook for you on how to start your own yoga practice. I'm not going to start this project until Mercury Retrograde is done. (Yes, I'm sorta into astrology, but don't live my life by it too much, except when it comes to retrogrades.). It will have multiple contributors and will be low cost. I feel like being of service this way to you. If you feel like sharing tips, feel free to contact me here.

Here's to an upcoming good week!

Namaste,
Lisa

I need out of here!

2009-09-18T18:24:00.002-04:00

(The road to paradise...Photo Credit: personal collection, Kona, Hawaii, 2009)

My title of this post is pretty honest. I can only be honest regarding my own life. Since arriving "home" from Hawaii, it has become apparent that I don't belong where I currently live.

I have not experienced wonderful flow here in many years. It doesn't resonate with me at all. I've never really felt like I'm from here. I live in the Midwest. I don't want to get into all the details why I dislike it here. That would be negative, wouldn't it?

Last weekend, I felt so spent. Despite grounding, shielding, taking salt baths, doing affirmations, etc., I felt exhausted from a festival I was at for 3 days. It was a holistic festival I was working at and well, it didn't feel like a match for my vibration. On the grounds, there were two separate haunted houses, a flea market, a bike night, and a sports/gaming card show. Too much energy for me, I'll bet.

I managed to do yoga last Saturday. It did help me. I felt more focused and was able to radiate love to others more easily. I felt done with my divine assignment at that venue. I have decided to never return there again. I thanked the Universe for the opportunity to serve.

I started to feel human again by mid-week this week, but still, I'm tired and feeling flat. I managed to do yoga on Tuesday. It has been cold in the morning here. I'm never certain how to plan my schedule. Do I run in the morning or workout? Or, do I meditate and do yoga? My schedule is different each day. I feel overwhelmed trying to fit it all in, so I've told myself that I can do everything I do such as yoga, running, cycling, and playing guitar 3x/week minimum. I have to work on scheduling my days better. I also have a part-time job and a business that I own.

Today I got over my inertia, returning to my big decluttering project I had abandoned last year. It felt good to stage things in categories such as Ready to Donate, Next in Line to Be Donated, Unsure, Go Through, and the like. I'm going to start taking massive action to show the Universe I'm ready to move!

Yes, I know that I'll be bringing myself with me when I move. I will bring my problems, hang-ups, and other challenges. I have heard it all too about Southern California: they have mudslides, they have fires, they have earthquakes, they have expensive houses, and they have busy roads. It doesn't matter to me. I've learned to ignore the naysayers.

I've lived in the same Midwest area for all of my 37 years. I'm tired of it here. I dislike the cold weather. I need a change. I am ready for a change!

So, yes, I do need out of here. I know that once I'm ready, it will manifest. In the meantime, I'm going to keep on doing yoga which will help my mind and spirit to be flexible as I adapt to all of the changes that are coming my way!

Bring it on, Universe!

Namaste,

Lisa

Letting go of perfection...

2009-09-11T09:47:00.001-04:00

(Perfection is all around us! Photo Credit: My personal collection, Kona, Hawaii, 2009)

I wondered about that yesterday upon arising. Do I have to be perfect and what does that mean? I also wondered: "Did a train run me over?" I woke up sore and tired. I decided that it was a perfect yoga day. My ego fought me at first, telling me that I was too tired. I also broke another self-imposed yoga rule of mine. I used to believe that you only do yoga after a workout. Well, I did yoga and then, worked out. I felt great. I've been discovering that yoga before guitar playing works well for me too.

Yoga has been helping me to be more focused on tasks at hand. This has been especially important for me as of late since I've not felt like attending to daily details since arriving home from Hawaii. I'd rather not do them because then, I don't really have to "come home" fully. I know that sounds silly, but it's how my ego mind works.

I've been learning about my resistances to certain things for sure. I have noticed that I was feeling like I had to have perfect days every day, meaning each day I had to do yoga, meditate, play guitar, and workout. All of this is in addition to owning my own business, working a part-time job, managing a household, writing an on-line column and 2 blogs, and oh yeah, having a life. (Having a life? What is that?). Oh yeah, self-growth and development too: I journal daily, do process work, and self-healing work too. I subscribe to that concept of work hard, play hard. Yikes!

I notice that each day is different. Some days I get it all in and feel great. Other days, I only get 50 percent of it in or some days, none at all. Whew, it's a big relief to know I don't have to be perfect. I also have realized that it's okay to do small portions of things, meaning 15 minutes of yoga is okay. Or, sometimes, a 30-minute workout can be as effective as an hour workout.

There is perfection in imperfection. Hell yeah! Or, if you prefer, go with the flow or be here now. (I don't always resonate with the New Age-y terminology, you know?)

I'm not sure I"m ready to leave all of my perfectionistic tendencies behind, however. Add perfectionism though to procrastination and I never finish or start anything. Time to let go and just do it!

I can be so ridiculous at times. For example, I almost didn't start this blog until I had a customized, pretty template. This one will do for now, until I hire a designer to do a cute yoga girl graphic. Or, maybe I'll just put a picture of myself in the header in some cool yoga pose. I have to warn you though, I'm prone to wearing pajama pants or punk rock t-shirts when I do yoga, hair all disshelved, but at least I have a pretty pedicure. Of course, I do yoga in my living room.

Do you ever feel the need to be perfect? Or, better yet, how do you let these tendencies go? I'm curious. Feel free to share!

Namaste,
Lisa

So far, so good...

2009-09-08T16:02:00.002-04:00

(There is always new beginnings and endings! Photo credit: My personal collection, 2009, Kona, Hawaii)

So far, so good. Life is good. It's been getting better each day as I've returned to my yoga practice. Yay!

I didn't practice yoga today. I woke up feeling all flu-like. It went away though. I had to listen to my body by resting and meditating only this a.m.

Yesterday, on Labor Day, I found myself doing yoga at home. I had been tight, tired, and feeling flat from the weekend. Attending a college football game with 100,000 other people and attending a live outdoor concert all in the same day was a bit much. Those kinds of things leave me with an energetic burden, even though I do the shielding and grounding bit. I guess it means I'm human and prone to getting tired just like anyone else. Imagine that!

Last week, I practiced yoga on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I work all day on Wednesdays. I felt tired on the weekend. On the days I didn't do asana for a set amount of time, I still focused on my breath, posture, and being present. I noticed I watched my posture much more at the football game on Saturday.

Off the mat, I have to admit that I was feeling challenged. I had to have a tree removed in my backyard. Yes, it's needed removed for a while, but trips to Hawaii have been more important--at least to me. I guess a neighbor complained to the city. I received a notice that I had 10 days to get it taken care of, just prior to leaving for my trip to Hawaii. Also, someone complained about weeds. I think I went 7-10 days without removing weeds this summer from the front yard. Geesh! I felt angry at first. I thought: "Why can't these people attend to the weeds of their minds?" Ah well, not my job to teach them about inner peace. All I can do is be peaceful--not always easy when dealing with neighbors or anyone else who challenges me.

So, I felt challenged. Luckily, the city code enforcer was super nice. He told me to fax him a bid and that would show I was having it addressed. Voila, I could enjoy my vacation. The tree company came this past Friday night and removed the tree. They did a great job and were great guys. So, it's a done deal now. Dead ash tree is gone.

Of course, being the tree hugger that I am and also, annoying metaphysical type, I thanked the tree prior to it being cut down for it being in my life (even though it was dead). I didn't do this in front of the tree guys. But, I admit I picked the company who didn't snicker when I referred to the tree as a "he." I also warned the fairy folk, animals, and birds about this tree being cut down. I started to wonder what it would like to be uprooted from my home. I'm way too sympathetic to living things. I guess that it's a good thing at times.

Ironically, the start of September, I began working with Denise Linn's Soul Coaching book. (You can check it out and get it here: Soul Coaching It's a 28 day program to cleanse your soul. She has you do a lot of clutter clearing the first week. It seems like I started in my yard. I have been pulling weeds for weeks it seems and cleaning things out in my yards. It will be nice to have time and energy to tackle the indoors.

It balanced me out though to see Joan Jett and the Blackhearts play on Saturday at a free concert in my area. Joan is one of my heroines! I wanna rock and roll that hard when I grow up (I play electric guitar, but don't sing as of yet.) I'd also love to have her biceps. I love going-to-live-rock-and-roll-asana the best!

I've been wanting to take some yoga classes at some studios by me. I am thinking of doing one new class per week. I need to get off the computer on the weekends. I do too much marketing and writing. I need a yoga break and a nice takeout lunch someplace. It looks like I'll have to wait until next week since I'm working this weekend.

It seems like the children started school today. Lucky, aren't they? I'm one of those rare people who loves school. I prefer to just be a professional student. Do I really have to be a part of the real world? Anyway, September always feels like the "New Year" to me in many ways. I always feel like I should be buying school supplies and starting something, you know? I keep getting called to do my yoga teacher training, but the timing is not right financially. I'm going to intend it for January 2010. I love to set intentions.

Speaking of intentions, my intention this week is to practice yoga at least 4-5 times. I also need to get back into my breathing exercises (I'll spare you the Sanskrit name which I most likely will misspell).

I'll write again soon.

Enjoy the ride!

Namaste,
Lisa

I broke a yoga rule today!

2009-08-31T18:15:00.001-04:00

I know I can treat myself as gently as I am handling this beautiful plumeria blossom! (Photo Credit: My personal collection, 2009, Kona, Hawaii)

After a few days of getting caught up on my sleep, I woke up today at my usual 7 a.m. It was a bit cold in the house. Sigh...I wonder what happened to summer (It seems like we only had two weeks of summer here!). I am really starting to dread winter. I am affirming that it's my last winter in the Midwest.

I slept horribly due to the construction noise last night on a nearby freeway. The hum of the machines sorta reminded me of Tibetan throat singers, but not in a soothing, comforting way. Or, perhaps, I slept too much recently in my catching up on sleep? Or, maybe it's the full moon? (Don't you love how spiritual people wonder about these things? I guess I'm prone to this sort of wondering too.)

My ego wanted me to go back to bed this a.m. I also woke up very hungry. I decided to compromise with my ego by meditating this a.m. for a bit as I warmed up in my blanket.

Then, I ate my usual light breakfast of organic peanut butter and strawberry jam on two rice cakes with some tea. I felt much better. I felt ready to do yoga.

But, I wondered if there would be negative consequences if I practiced after eating. There is that one yoga rule or guideline about not eating a heavy meal about two hours prior to doing yoga. I reasoned that because I eat so lightly, I would be okay. I'm happy to report that I was just fine. I had a great yoga session. Whenever I break any rules, gosh, everything turns out just fine.

I've been practicing along with a DVD called Kripalu Gentle Yoga with Sudha Carolyn Lundeen this past week. This DVD truly is gentle yoga. I mean, "gentle" is a relative term, but it's a nice one to use when you're first starting your yoga practice or if you're like me and transitioning back to your regular yoga practice. I purchased it last year with intentions of getting familiar with Kripalu stuff in order to do their yoga teacher training. So far, I've not taken action (This non-action of mine is a subject for another blog post). You can buy the DVD here:

Kripalu Yoga Gentle DVD

The thing I noticed today is that my shoulders were really sore and tired from spending many hours this weekend on the computer. I notced the tension pretty much went away. I was even able to play guitar relatively tension-free (I have been away from it for about two to three weeks due to being busy with planning travel and actual travel).

Tomorrow, I go for my monthly chiropractic adjustment. My chiropractor does heat readings prior to every session so he can tell where your tension or stress is in the body. I am hoping that I have a good heat reading tomorrow. Whenever I've done yoga in the past, I've had a good heat reading :)

I also found my prior yoga journal today. I started it at the end of last August and wrote in it sporadically because well, I did yoga quite sporadically this past year. (I'll write more later about why I neglected my practice these past months.) I feel like some of the journal will be shared here at some point. There are some fun a-ha moments in it.

I noticed today a big shift in myself. I decided to do my daily self-care prior to doing any work. I meditated, did yoga, worked out on my bicycle (on windtrainer), showered, lunch, and traded healing session with a friend. I felt so much more relaxed about my day. I usually put my self-care off until the last minute and then, when I do get around to it, I feel rushed, stressed out, and guilty about doing it.

So, it really is like they say on the airplanes, take care of yourself first before attending to others (put your own oxygen mask on first, as they say). You'd think I'd get this lesson after so many years!

I guess I'm a work in progress.

Here's to being human!

Namaste,
Lisa

Just show up at the mat and see what happens

2009-08-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

After an amazing yoga class on Tuesday this week in Kona, Hawaii, I decided to jumpstart my practice again, as I mentioned in my first post. I did yoga this week on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Today, I felt my resistance come up again. I was not motivated to do a longer practice, so I decided to show up at the mat to see what would happen.

I found myself doing five minutes of yoga to help stretch my shoulders out. I had been on the computer much of this weekend, so I felt so much better.

Can five minutes really help? The answer is "yes"! I feel so much better.

So, time to get off the computer to relax.

Namaste,
Lisa

This is not really the beginning...

2009-08-30T18:31:00.001-04:00

(Photo credit: my personal collection, August 2009, Kona, Hawaii)

Yoga is a journey not a destination. I've neglected my journey for way too long. This realization hit me hard recently as I was in sivasana at a yoga class in Kona, Hawaii. Months of stress melted away in the final relaxation pose. I couldn't believe what I had been holding onto for so long. I also was shocked that I had neglected my yoga practice for well over seven to eight months!

Truth be told, I've been a yoga dabbler for years. I resisted having a regular yoga practice for a number of years due to a number of excuses.

When I arrived home from my recent trip to Hawaii, I made a decision to return to a regular yoga practice. Because I have a background as an athlete, I've always kept a training diary to keep me accountible. (Yes, I know that word "accountible" would make most yogis cringe. But, I'm working to fully accept and honor myself, including how my mind works.) I'm also a writer, so I'm used to recording stuff in my personal journals besides writing publicly.

So, the next logical step was to create a yoga blog. I'm going to write about my yoga journey, sharing it all with you.

Just thought I'd get this blog started and say "hello."

Namaste,
Lisa